This...is now...

“Shouldn’t you be doing something?”

I love vague questions, don’t you? Questions that ask nothing while attempting to ask everything. Perhaps more irritating than the question itself is the fact that I knew exactly what my aunt was trying to ask me but didn’t. As a result, I found it all too easy to be difficult. “I am doing something. Sitting is something.”

“And drinking.

“There, that’s two somethings. I’m multi-tasking.”

“It’s just… I expected you to be doing other things than sitting and drinking. You could do that at home.”

“This is true.”

“I thought you came here for a change of scenery, to take your mind off things.”

I did, so help me I did. I hoped I would be distracted somehow from the everything that’s been going on in my life. I really did. Does anyone think I want to be like this? Waking every day and hating taking breath? Hating seeing a new day rise? It’s all such a mess. And no one can help me with it.

I said none of that. I couldn't. The words choked in my throat as I thought of them. All I could manage was a quiet “Yes.”

“Maybe, maybe if you drank a little less…”

“Really? I’m in Ireland and I’m being told I’m drinking too much. That is possible? Well, now I’ve learned something new. Hey, three things at once. That truly is a skill.”

I finished my beer and made it to my feet. “Tell ya what,” I continued. “I’ll go for a walk. Is that better?”

“It’s something.”

Ha ha. I’ve got whiskey available to me outside so I can continue to multi-task.

That...was then...

Glancing back over this, I think I may have slid from explaining to complaining and that concerns me. No one like a complainer, least of all me, and if I've drawn a picture that portrays me as friendless and joyless; then I have expressed my situation inaccurately. While I have been figuratively kicked and beaten, I am not without support.

As explained, Cuthbold has had to deliver a great deal to me. While he's awkwardly Cuthbold, he's tried to be nice, never relishing the moment. When things have gotten serious in our departmental meetings, Cuthbold has defused it or shut it down as was necessary.

I've not had the time or energy to go out much. If I have the time, I won't have the energy and vice versa. Friends have called and asked to visit; often friends that don't get out much themselves. Mike has taken time from his busy work schedule to come over, watch stupid movies and worked to generally distract me, not giving me a hard time when I've fallen asleep on the couch mid-film.

Chris has sent Julia to visit me on occasion, mostly with food knowing that I don't cook for myself well even when I have the time. I've woken up to a clean house thanks to her. It's moments like that when I wonder what I've done to deserve such loyalty.

I don't want to short change anyone that's been kind to me in these regards but I also don't want to turn this into a list of names and events. I'm confident that I don't know the full extent of what people have done for me, what words of defense may have been spoken outside my presence or ideas generated to support me without my knowledge. Thank you all.

While I know I have the support of many, none have supported me as Sarah Jean has supported me. It is not in my nature to lean on others for support but she has done her best to educate me as to how this is done. Physically she is rarely here but in every other way she is never far from me. We communicate in various ways almost constantly, on the phone, in email, mental communication, or however else. Doctor Aloysius Sanders was in town last month and he delivered a note to me from her. One of the smartest men on the planet, if not the smartest, and Sarah Jean reduces him to a kid passing mushy notes in class.

So, if nothing else, Sarah Jean cares about me. I've no idea why she should do so but I appreciate it. No, that word's not good enough. I treasure her support. That sounds more accurate. She's a wonderful person and I don't see how I deserve her attention but I love her for it.

Still Not Funny

I was sued.

I was in good company there as the Na'Dar, the college, and Dave's parents were also sued. I'm surprised Janet's parents didn't sue the mobcomm providers for our not having a signal to call for help. I was also 'sued' by one of the survivors for emotional distress but that turned out to be a joke. Not terribly funny at the time. It's funnier to me not by not by much.

All this combined to make the past few months some of the least fun of my life. There was a lengthy criminal investigation. Eventually I was cleared of any wrongdoing. The civil lawsuits still hangs over my head but I understand that there has been a payment offered by the Na'Dar, sort of a 'we're sorry our old equipment killed your family member' sort of thing and payment is contingent on all the lawsuits being dropped. The family's bargaining for more money feels a bit crass to me. Its their right and they have to do what seems best to them but I don't know.

The size of my intern pool was trimmed by management so I get to do more with less. I am not particularly enjoying doing more with less. I get to do a lot more work for the same amount of pay, regularly staying late just to try to keep up. We never manage to keep up.

Making things more complicated is the fact that I lost most of my previous interns. Some were graduating and done anyways. A number quit due to my troubles; whether it was their decision or their parents is less important than the fact that the decision was made and acted upon. The up side to this was that I didn't have to fire anyone to reach my new staffing levels. On the down side I had to train more new people than expected. This took time and patience and rework to fix problems that weren't fixed properly the first time. This is not conducive to keeping up or maintaining good relationships with the other departments.

My team was destroyed. My peers, and I use that term very loosely, that had decided to not like me already took this opportunity to further align against me. They remained polite to my face and within meetings but fought me and abused me within that realm of politeness. My opinions were ignored or, worse, dismissed with a jibe about the other times when my 'opinion' had cost others. This was all very amusing to them. Not so to me.

Thankfully, policy and procedure were on my side, so Cuthbold could defend me. I had only been accused of things, never convicted, so my job was secure. Had I been convicted, I would have been fired but I wasn't. While the Na'Dar's 'assistance' may not have been officially welcomed due to the stigma associated with the... event, behind the scenes I'm told that all will be well if the lawsuits just go away. I don't think I have much to worry in that regard.

Into the Fallout

Have you ever been around someone that died unexpectedly? People have questions. They want to know details. What happened, in what order, what you did in response, why did you respond in that way, and on and on. Everything you did is double and triple checked. People who weren't there and may not understand the situation you were in have opinions about what you did or should have done. I've often heard that hindsight is 20/20. The reaction of some people to what happened around that cabin last summer proves that to be true. Worse yet is that some people seem to be of the impression that I should somehow have had access to this hindsight at the time and saved everyone. Most of the people with this opinion have been parents.

I was in charge, they like to remind me, shouldn't I have done more? How dare I let their child be killed? Why didn't I figure it out sooner? How did I not magically walk into the cabin and know that someone had found a buried spaceship and accidentally activated the defense mechanism? All the questions that haunt my head are spat at me by strangers. Somehow, in not succeeding more, I became the villain to some.

I try to understand them. They're in pain and need someone to blame. Subconsciously or not, they decided that I was in with the Na'Dar. By my own admission I recognized the ship, knew where to go, and could read the language to some degree. When there was the meeting with the delegates from the Na'Dar embassy, I was recognized and greeted by a Na'Dar gentleman I'd previously met through the college. To someone who's never met a Na'Dar before, perhaps never seen a Na'Dar in person, this must have seemed suspicious.

I can see why these people might have reacted the way they did. That doesn't mean it hurts any less; it just means I can see where they might be coming from.

Yelling

The 'bear' shambled onto the bridge, eyeing us oddly. “This didn't occur to you?” Tina demanded.

“I was busy being excited about the ship. I can't think of everything!” I protested. “If you hadn't kept bothering me, I might have managed to shut it off by now!”

“Is that what you're doing over there?” Dave asked.

“Yes!”

“You can read that?” Tina questioned.

“A little!”

“Why are you yelling?” Dave checked.

“Because I can't concentrate on remembering anything! Slow it down! Give me a moment!” Dave made a noise of derision to respond to my request but I trusted in his ability to defend himself now that he was prepared. I'm not sure why I thought he could do this without getting hurt. I assume our work history led me to that conclusion. Either that or I needed to trust him to do this in order to do what I needed to do so I did. I stared at the console and tried to relax my brain a little, which was not easy.

You're having a conversation with your friends and you start talking about a specific movie. You all enjoyed the movie, talk about it with joy, and mention the lead actress that 'wow'ed you all. None of you can remember her name. It frustrates you particularly because you just saw it and you really should remember it. You work to remember it, you fight to remember it, and the more you push towards it, the further away you feel from remembering. You know that if you stop thinking about the lady's name, it'll come to you. Five minutes later, talking about something else, the name pops into your head, you say it, and everyone relaxes in agreement, glad to have this resolved.

Once I started thinking about not thinking about it, I did my best to continue thinking about not thinking about it so that I wouldn't think about what I was trying to not think about. Thankfully this managed to help. The word for 'defense' suddenly popped into my brain, the fact that the color blue is their 'stop' was suddenly there, I heard a yell from behind me, and I clicked stop.

I turned to see what had been accomplished. The 'bear' froze, flickered, and faded. Left behind was a flying device, about a foot tall, looking a bit like a gray pot wearing an over-sized drum cymbal. A set of claws on an extended arm folded back into the lower 'pot' section, disappearing seamlessly back into the whole. Calmly the device lowered to the floor and the lights under the 'cymbal' went out.

Dave remained frozen in his defensive position for a moment, evidently concerned that the danger was not yet over. Slowly he stood up straight again, keeping his left arm elevated due to the bleeding claw marks damaging it. “Did you shut it off?” he asked.

“I think so.”

Dave scowled. “I'd really feel more comfortable with an answer that was more assured.”

“Sorry. Haven't had a reason to brush up on my Na'Dar recently. I have every reason to believe its shut down.”

Dave nodded. “Good.” Savagely he kicked the defensive mechanism, sending it skittering across the floor and making him hop up and down on the foot he hadn't used to kick it. Once the device stopped moving from the kick, it lit back up and began to rise from the ground. Quickly I hit the button to shut it off again, returning it to the ground. “I thought you said you shut it off!” Dave snapped.

“It's a defensive mechanism. You attacked it and restarted its systems,” I informed. Dave just grunted in reply.

Tina emerged from behind a console, walking directly to Dave. “You okay?” she checked. He grunted in reply and nodded. “Thank you. I totally froze up and you tossed me out of the way. I didn't expect that.”

“That you'd freeze up or that I'd help you,” Dave questioned.

“Both, mostly me freezing up. Not that I didn't think you'd be helpful, just having it happen...” Tina paused. “Thank you.”

Dave just grunted in reply.

Discovery... Creepy Discovery...

The bridge of the ship apparently was largely undamaged. There were dents in the walls and a view-screen that was cracked but the sweeping curves of the design were largely intact. Consoles seemed to naturally flow from walks, seating pods from floors. It looked organic in a shiny metal way. Its beautiful to see, moreso when you're not panicked and in a hurry. “And I thought studying those ship designs were a waste of time,” I muttered. Slowly I walked into the bridge, searching for details of the design from my brain. This ended up leading me to the last piece of the puzzle.

“You found this with ease,” Tina commented, suspicion returning to her voice.

“We've had Na'Dar at the school plenty of times,” I noted. “I know a few things about them.”

“Like the designs of spaceships that are, in your own words, decades old?” she pushed.

“We did pass maps on our way here; I can read a little of their language. And yes.” I had more important things to worry about. “Dave, you've never had problems like this before, have you? No 'weird happening', no disappearing people?” He shook his head. “Okay, so I'm blaming them for what's happened, although I'm guessing it was an accident.” I drew their attention to the figures sprawled out on the floor.

“I thought you said bears couldn't get in here?” Dave questioned.

“Those are costumes,” Tina observed. “That's the bear that attacked us.”

“But it's a dead guy in a costume. I guess that explains why it was such a weird looking bear,” Dave reasoned. “But why would two people dress like animals to explore a cave?”

I coughed loudly and busied myself with the console before me. “Do you know what Furries are?” Dave grunted and must have responded 'no' in some non-verbal way as she continued to explain. “They  dress up like animals and then they [court each other in a vigorous manner].”

“Oh!” Dave responded. “Well, good for them.” After a moment, he added “It didn't turn out good for them here. Maybe it did turn out good for them for awhile but it didn't end well.” After another uncomfortable pause he continued. “Well maybe it ended well but...” Calmly I spoke his name and he stopped. “I thought we agreed the bear couldn't fit down here. They got down here. Why can't the killer bear get down here?”

“Yeah,” Tina appended.

“I'm sure they wedged the costumes through the gap and put them on in the cave,” I answered. These questions were distracting me from the console.

“But its not a bear,” Dave insisted. “It's a something that looks like a bear or a guy in a bear costume. If that came from here, can't it get back?”

As if in answer, there was a roar from the hallway. “Thank you Dave. It's here.”

Things Get Brighter

As we made our way into the cave, the light grew brighter and brighter, soon removing the need to feel our way forward. That was strange but not really concerning. When we came across the hatchway and entered the metal structure, that's when some nerves kicked in.

I got that weird excited feeling that I get when I'm starting to figure something out; that reaction that seems to leave people with the impression that I'm completely insane. “Yes, of course!” I noted as I walked through the hatchway without pausing.

Dave and Tina hesitated to tread further, lingering at the doorway. “The metal doesn't seem to be a problem to you?” Tina demanded.

“A problem?” I echoed. “It's a problem but it's also a solution.” They looked at me strangely. “Smell the air,” I directed.

Dave and Tina exchanged a look which I recognized as the 'he's lost it' look. Still, they indulged me, visibly sniffing at the air. While Tina shrugged her shoulders, the smell seemed to trigger something for Dave. “What is that? It is familiar.”

“Remember when we found Tim?” I prodded. His eyes lit up. “Same smell in here.”

Dave stepped inside but Tina was less willing to do so. “No. Explain this. People are dying and now you're dragging me to your weird secret lair? I don't think so.”

“What secret lair?” Dave questioned. “I don't have a secret lair. And he's never been here before so he can't have a secret lair.”

“It's 'your' cave,” she protested. “And I don't know him,” she gestured in my direction, “so I don't know where he's been before or what weird mind tricks he might have done to you with this smell or whatever. Explain!”

I was eager to do so and did at a rapid pace. “You see there was this weird smell near where Tim died and the smell kept returning to the 'scenes of the crimes' and it was really familiar but I couldn't quite place it because I hadn't smelled it in awhile but that smell is the smell that's in here and seeing the metal and the style of the ship I realized it's the smell that the Na'Dar associate with clean to they work to have all their machinery exhaust this scent because it's 'clean'.”

They watched me grin madly. Slowly Dave checked “So, this is a spaceship?”

“I'm thinking so,” I answered. “Probably crashed here ages ago. Wonder if it was one of the scout ships they used to observe us before they officially landed? That would be kinda cool.”

Tina gave me a very grumpy look. “People dying,” she reminded.

“Sorry, sorry. Time and place.” I took a deep breath and focused. “Yes. Right.” I once again sought to go deeper into the ship.

“Was the bear hibernating in here?” Dave questioned, causing me to pause. “Is that why it smells like that in here?”

“There'd have to be another entrance,” Tina reminded. “We decided the bear couldn't fit through the gap we fit through. That's how we talked ourselves into coming in here in the first place.”

“I think we'll find it's not really a bear,” I explained. “Na'Dar technology also generates that scent.” I once again made for the interior of the ship.

Dave's next question made me hesitate again. “So we're outrunning alien technology?”

“Not at this speed we're not.” I started running again. If they wanted to follow me, so be it.