Another Option

“I know it's not the easiest decision to make; if you need me to come back later...”

“No, not necessary. Thanks for the offer but no I don't want that. I miss her enough as it is I just don't think that'll help. Somehow I just... Anyway, don't do it.”

Another bottle of my whiskey finished up in the belly of the leprechaun. “Well lad, I think you made a good choice there. Life is for going forward, not back. But you know, having had another think, maybe there is something I can do for you.”

Immediately, he had my attention again. “Yes? That would be?”

“Maybe I can give her to you.”

I tried to make sense of this statement but failed. “I thought you said you couldn't bring her back so how can you give her to me?”

“If the answer isn't removing her memories, perhaps the answer is refreshing your memories of her.”

“Refreshing? I should remember her better?”

“Aye.”

“How will that help? I'm already losing my mind here because I can't stop... I've tried to stop... Sometimes I'd really like to stop thinking about her but I just can't. She's been in my head for so long I guess it feels wrong for her not to be there. So how would thinking about her more help me?”

He smiled. “I didn't say you'd think about her more. Just refresh the memories a bit. Clarify them if that word helps.”

I really wasn't completely sure what he meant at that point. I could feel my face twist in confusion. “Not really.”

“I can't promise you'll think about her less or more than you are now. Maybe I can help you think about her better.”

All his words danced around his meaning as far as I was concerned. I really should have expected no less from a leprechaun. Everything I read said they were tricky little fellas. He'd even admitted to it. It was late, I was still tired, and I'd been drinking. It was becoming increasingly difficult to think around him. “Think about her better,” I found myself repeating. “Better is good, right?”

“Of course it is.” The leprechaun cracked open another bottle of whiskey.

I sighed. “How do I phrase it?”

“However you like.”

“I wish you'd tell me how to phrase this 'thinking about Sarah Jean' wish properly.”

He put the bottle down. “What you want to say is 'I wish to remember my friend Sarah Jean properly'.”

“Okay.” I took a deep breath. “I wish to remember my friend Sarah Jean properly.”

The leprechaun just grinned at me. “I never promised you more than one wish.”

I stared back at him. “What? Really?”

He laughed. “I'm just messing with you boyo.” He tapped my arm.

Huh

The idea is tempting.

A rush to recovery. No more suffering. No more nightmares. Just suddenly peace. It would be relaxing to not care anymore, just go back to working and playing and all those other abnormal things I got up to in my life. That is what I want, isn't it? To get on with my life, to not be trapped anymore by this grief? To not feel anymore?

Would that be any better? It should be but would it? Maybe I'd function better on a day to day basis but long term would I be better off barely remembering her? Would not remembering her turn me into a different Patrick? One still lingering over what Heather did to me in college? Even if the leprechaun is sincerely trying to help, there has got to be some catch to this, it can't be as simple as just that.

Can it?