I Say Some Stuff

I will be the first to admit that my reaction to these words was not the best. After a pause to allow the chills to fade, I noted “We've discussed this before.”

She was leaning back against a mighty tree for support because nasty fellow me was just staring at her. “I know we have.”

I continued. “We have different hometowns, different jobs, different friends...”

Sarah Jean interrupted. “But only one heart.” I had no immediate response to that declaration so she followed up on it. “We've spent so much time in each other's heads. We're comfortable with each other. We're good friends. I don't want to be without you.”

“You're not without me now,” I noted.

“That's not what I mean and you know it,” she retorted. “I know you've had relationships sour on you before and I know you can be guarded but you don't trust me now?”

“This has nothing to do with trust.”

“Then what?” she demanded.

This is where I was frustrated and it bubbled forth. In a less emotional moment we discussed all these possibilities and decided to stay friends because of them. Exasperatedly I asked “And we do what exactly? You move here and get bored with a less adventurous life? Or I leave my admittedly comfortable job to start all over in New York? Or sit around the mansion while you go out on missions, hoping for you to come back safe?” I paused to collect myself. “I love hearing your stories but that doesn't mean I don't worry about you.”

Sarah Jean was quiet. “I know. I can feel it.”

“Nothing has changed there,” I stated. “We are who we are.”

“I know.”

At that point I couldn't look at her because I knew she was crying. I couldn't blame her in the least. Here she was, pouring her heart out to me in person and I was being all cold and logical back to her. Just mean. Even at the time I knew I was being mean. And that hurt, stabbed me to the heart.

I turned to her. She was staring at her feet, silently crying. I sighed, aware that I was going to do something that, logically, was stupid. I took her hand, pulling her away from the tree. This made her look up at me, allowing me a chance to wipe away her tears and tuck her hair behind her ear. “I do love you Sarah Jean.” And then I kissed her.